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UK surveys reveal funniest jokes ever

UK surveys vote funniest jokes ever in online poll

A UK survey has revealed the top 50 funniest jokes of all time, which includes witty one-liners from both classic and current comedians.

The final line-up of funniest jokes was whittled down from thousands of entries, as UK surveys asked 36,000 people to vote for their favourite.

Us Brits are known for our sarcasm and dry sense of humour, which is certainly reflected in the selection from the surveys’ top 50, but there are plenty of simple (and clean!) jokes which could easily be repeated over the Christmas dinner table. A word of warning though – some may cause more offence than others!

Gags by Tommy Cooper featured prominently on the list, compiled from the favourites from the UK surveys, as well as lines from Peter Kay, Lee Evans, Stuart Francis and Tim Vine - whose chortle-inducing joke topped seperate UK surveys of comedy critics as the funniest joke in the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Quite an accolade! His award-winning joke was: “I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.”

We challenge anyone to read through the top 50 without cracking a smile! But there are some rather surprising ‘niche’ entries in the top 10 (maybe it is just the way you tell them that makes it funny, after all). Here are the top 10 funniest jokes of all time, according to UK surveys.

UK surveys' Top 10 Funniest Jokes:

  • 10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
  • 9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
  • 8. “Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home”. He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome”. 'Is it common?” I asked. “It's not unusual” he replied.
  • 7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
  • 6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
  • 5. I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays”.
  • 4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
  • 3. Dyslexic man walks into a bra...
  • 2. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a Shitzu.
  • 1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

So there you have it. The funniest jokes of all time, according to UK surveys. Think you can do better? Let us know your favourite one-liners on our Facebook page, and don't forget to have your say and earn money from home with the latest paid online surveys from Opinion Outpost UK - where earning cash for your opinions in free UK surveys really is no joke!

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